Rise of internal conflict

Having conflicting thoughts with situations and people is what I deal with often, so to see where the conflict comes from, I had to dig a little deeper. I found that there are two decision makers that sit in my mind which is why the conflicts arise.

The first decision maker is my ego. A situation or person, when it attacks my ego directly or indirectly causes a response in this part of my brain. The response is usually strongly felt for short periods of time. It comes and goes, but what is important to note is that the intensity of the response is high.

The second decision maker is a combination of thoughts and emotions. These are thoughts that can look at things from a different perspective, and are built over a period of time. They do not cause a strong response, and are usually more calming.

The important lesson is not to act on any one of these responses reflexively. The action must come after careful thought no matter how much you are pushed internally or externally to respond. 

A note to the past

I am writing this as my future self talking to my younger self referring to the feeling of emptiness in ourselves. You can mould it according to your experiences and situation.

1. You are not the only one

You will be relieved to know that you are not the only one feeling this way. People put up a personna to hide their weaknesses and true self. They get better at this over time as they get older and more experienced, but it doesn't mean that they do not feel the same way inside.

2. Panicking to fill up the void

When we were born, we did not feel this void. All of a sudden, we feel it -> there must be something wrong with me. I should not feel this way. I need someone or something to fill it up.

All of us start with our glasses full in the morning. The reason we feel empty is not the absence of water in the glass, but our excessive and unproductive usage of it. Our subconscious mind is using up this water in worries, built up emotions and stress.

How do we keep the glass full at the end of the day? By carefully observing it. Imagine walking with a glass of water in the palm of your hands and avoid unnecessary spillage as walk through your day. Observing troubling thoughts and giving them time is how to silence them, not be pushing them away.

3. The notion of being productive

It is hard to be productive when your mind is not at ease. It is hard to feel good about your productivity when you don't see short term results. The importance here lies in giving thought and time to some major goals you have for yourself in your life. But know that you can only achieve this if your mind is at ease.

Imagine babysitting a small child. He is crying and you have a house full of chores to do. Would you continue doing the dishes and let the child cry? The same way, it is important to give a few minutes to the crying mind each day to keep it at peace before you push yourself with your daily tasks.

4. Not being held down by your current situation and your comfort zone

Always keep a check on how much baggage you have. When you go for a hike, you don't fill up your bag pack things as you climb because you know it will just make it harder to go on. Emotional spending leads to collection of baggage, and although it gives us short term relief, it makes it harder to move forward.

Keep smiling!

Lets Play

Gone are those days when I was a slave to my own mind.

Gone are those sleepless nights when I sat there planning my future that never came.

Gone are those times when I didn't feel good enough and let people exploit me for that.

Gone are the times I didn't believe in my capabilities.

As I venture into a new sense of self, I'd like to say a word to all those who supported me, "Thank you for sharing the love, you were the drop of rain that woke me up when I had fainted in the desert.".

I'd like to say a word to all those who didn't believe in me, "Thank you, you showed me the depth of my inner confidence, without which I would have never realized that I have the ability to climb back up"

Finally I'd like to say a word to myself, "Thank you for all the hate, it made me realize how much I love you"