This feeling

I’ve been away from my parent’s love for too long and that has left an empty space in me. I cling to things that I feel can fill up this space. I’m passionate about my guitar and singing because it temporarily fills up this void. What you see on the surface is not what goes on inside. That is true with me, that is true with anyone and everyone. You look at really accomplished people and when you get past the shining outer sphere, you see their real stories.

It is a weird feeling. Part of me wants it and is used to it. This very feeling brings me down at times and the same feeling is what gives me energy to fight back to reach my highs. I have developed some level of immunity to this feeling now after going through many pitfalls. I still remember the first time it was triggered; I never want to feel like that again. I have now developed certain strengths to fight back. Some of these are external and some internal.

The biggest internal strength I’ve developed is learning how to let go and a higher power take control. The biggest external strength I’ve developed is being passionate about my work. I use my days of feeling high to develop defenses against the lows so that I can pull myself out quicker than before. 

Intuition

You are trying to solve a problem. You make assumptions, you quantify things, you bring out a calculator and come up with a number. You look at this number but something seems wrong. Your intuition tells you this can't be right. This intuition gets stronger the more you perform this calculation and that is a strong skill to have.

The difference between an experienced person and an inexperienced one is their intuition. Its interesting how much people trust their gut. It is your very own fortune teller. Your mind can do the calculations, but your intuition can override all of it with just an emotion, a feeling. 

Rise of internal conflict

Having conflicting thoughts with situations and people is what I deal with often, so to see where the conflict comes from, I had to dig a little deeper. I found that there are two decision makers that sit in my mind which is why the conflicts arise.

The first decision maker is my ego. A situation or person, when it attacks my ego directly or indirectly causes a response in this part of my brain. The response is usually strongly felt for short periods of time. It comes and goes, but what is important to note is that the intensity of the response is high.

The second decision maker is a combination of thoughts and emotions. These are thoughts that can look at things from a different perspective, and are built over a period of time. They do not cause a strong response, and are usually more calming.

The important lesson is not to act on any one of these responses reflexively. The action must come after careful thought no matter how much you are pushed internally or externally to respond. 

A note to the past

I am writing this as my future self talking to my younger self referring to the feeling of emptiness in ourselves. You can mould it according to your experiences and situation.

1. You are not the only one

You will be relieved to know that you are not the only one feeling this way. People put up a personna to hide their weaknesses and true self. They get better at this over time as they get older and more experienced, but it doesn't mean that they do not feel the same way inside.

2. Panicking to fill up the void

When we were born, we did not feel this void. All of a sudden, we feel it -> there must be something wrong with me. I should not feel this way. I need someone or something to fill it up.

All of us start with our glasses full in the morning. The reason we feel empty is not the absence of water in the glass, but our excessive and unproductive usage of it. Our subconscious mind is using up this water in worries, built up emotions and stress.

How do we keep the glass full at the end of the day? By carefully observing it. Imagine walking with a glass of water in the palm of your hands and avoid unnecessary spillage as walk through your day. Observing troubling thoughts and giving them time is how to silence them, not be pushing them away.

3. The notion of being productive

It is hard to be productive when your mind is not at ease. It is hard to feel good about your productivity when you don't see short term results. The importance here lies in giving thought and time to some major goals you have for yourself in your life. But know that you can only achieve this if your mind is at ease.

Imagine babysitting a small child. He is crying and you have a house full of chores to do. Would you continue doing the dishes and let the child cry? The same way, it is important to give a few minutes to the crying mind each day to keep it at peace before you push yourself with your daily tasks.

4. Not being held down by your current situation and your comfort zone

Always keep a check on how much baggage you have. When you go for a hike, you don't fill up your bag pack things as you climb because you know it will just make it harder to go on. Emotional spending leads to collection of baggage, and although it gives us short term relief, it makes it harder to move forward.

Keep smiling!

Lets Play

Gone are those days when I was a slave to my own mind.

Gone are those sleepless nights when I sat there planning my future that never came.

Gone are those times when I didn't feel good enough and let people exploit me for that.

Gone are the times I didn't believe in my capabilities.

As I venture into a new sense of self, I'd like to say a word to all those who supported me, "Thank you for sharing the love, you were the drop of rain that woke me up when I had fainted in the desert.".

I'd like to say a word to all those who didn't believe in me, "Thank you, you showed me the depth of my inner confidence, without which I would have never realized that I have the ability to climb back up"

Finally I'd like to say a word to myself, "Thank you for all the hate, it made me realize how much I love you"

Behind everyones social curtain

Behind everyones social curtain there lies a desire
A desire to overcome unhappiness and find eternal bliss
Some take the path of success, some of finding true love while others move towards the concept of giving to society.

From a cynical point of view, one could view the world as a depressing place where no one is truly happy. If you change your perspective a little, you will see this as a huge opportunity.

Dig a little deeper, why are people unhappy? It is because they need something that they don't have. Now, if you can find out what they need and provide it to them, you will have a strong selling argument.

People cling to leaders because they give them hope and motivation to reach where they want to be in life. If you can channel your passion, into a tangible commodity that people can relate to, you will have the support of people automatically. The ability to realize your ideas, your dreams into tangible products is a big, if not the biggest credibility check in society.

The main point that I am trying to make here is that when you look around you, you see people who are self obsessed, people who don't really give a sh*t about you. They pass you on the sidewalk and probably form some instant judgement about you based on the way you look, or walk or talk. You can turn these same people into your biggest fans, if you know that they are all unhappy inside. If you understand that the reason they are so self obsessed is that they are unhappy and they are trying their level best to fulfill their inner desires to reach nirvana. If you can show your ability to realize dreams into reality, these people will cling to you, and the superficial judgement they made will fade away in the light of success.

At the end of the day, if you spend most of your time thinking about these people and what they think about you, you would have admitted defeat to their superficial judgments. But if you spend your time realizing your goals without trying to fit in to society, you will find that society will make space for you, the real you, not the pretentious you. 

Journey

Lets go on a journey together. A journey in which every step you take, I will be there to wipe the dust off your feet, so you make it to your destiny feeling loved. As you walk along, you will feel how you do when you take a deep breath in front of a beautiful landscape. If you fall, I'll be there to catch you. If you fly, I'll be there to wave at you. If you swim, I'll be there to give you warmth as you get out of the water. Its you and me and this empty path in front of us. Would you like to take a walk with me?

You're running a marathon, it is not a sprint

For many years I viewed life as a sprint. The successful ones work harder, faster and simply much more than average. Although some aspects of this are true, there is something that happened to me in this pursuit that changed my point of view.

I burned out.

I started thinking thoughts that I was never going to make it. It was getting harder and harder to stay mentally focused. I stopped enjoying this pursuit and started dreading each day with a dark cloud over the future.

What had happened?

The answer lies in this phrase that I just used. "I felt like I was never going to make it"

Where was I trying to make it to? I didn't even know where I wanted to go, but somehow in my mind I just wanted to get there as fast as possible.

What was in this dream place that I was really looking for? I was hoping to turn my sacrifices, struggles, low feelings of self worth to magically transform as soon as I would reach this 'place'.

Like 80% of the North American population, I too got tangled up in the web of entrepreneurship to feed my need for social acceptance and a hint of superiority by having my own well established start-up.

In this train of thought, the smallest of downfalls made the goal seem to drift further beyond reach. I started clinging on to things and to people for support. I was lost and I needed help.

Through these experiences I have learned that life is not a sprint, it is a marathon. It is not like you are trying to climb a mountain to reach a plateau. This way of thinking helped me realize to stop holding my breath and pushing against a wall hoping for it to fall down one day before I ran out of breath. I now feel like each day goes by smoother, I feel that I can breathe and most importantly I am not looking for that dream land where life is beautiful. This dream land is already inside me, my overactive mind never gave me a chance to see it before.

Western Poverty

Having lived in a developed nation for the last 8 years, I remember comparing numerous times how things are so organized here, the streets are clean, people drive expensive cars, live in big houses or waterfront condos. Yes, you do cross some homeless people on the street in the downtown areas, but no where in comparison to the poverty you see in developing nations.

But there is an invisible wave of poverty in these developed countries. You see well dressed people on the streets walking with their head down low, you see the most successful people high on drugs, you see long wait times at mental health clinics, you see ever rising unhappiness and a bubble of always wanting more that people live in. These nations struggle with poverty, but of a different kind, it is the lack of feeling loved.

When people are ready to pay money for hugs or a cuddle partner, it is quite evident that there is lack of love in people's hearts. Although this lack of love is felt by everyone, some people who are already low on self esteem internalize this, feeling like there is something wrong with them which is why society doesn't love them.

So many charity donations are made to help people in Africa, thinking that they are far behind in their development. But as the world becomes more developed, would love be a thing we read about in history books?

We need help, teach us how to love again, not just to our close family and friends, but to every soul we cross on the street. Teach us how to love ourselves. It is such a beautiful feeling, please don't take it away from us. 

Autobiography

The days when you feel like you are burning out, imagine being close to the end of your life, writing your autobiography in this golden book. It would be a shame if it ends in 25 pages with the lines, "He gave up".

Feeling Proud of Myself

I looked around my room and it was a mess. I had planned to move to a new city for work and right when everything seemed in order, things just completely switched direction. I was left hanging between two cities and I started living day by day. Its a nice feeling, not knowing where you will be tomorrow. But what is not nice is if you have a ton of stuff to move around with you. Ya, what do you know, I hold on to things, not just things, but emotions and memories as well.

Yesterday I made this plan of renting a car for a day to move all my stuff to one place. I went through 8 years of stuff, sorted it to see what I really needed, donated a lot of my clothes, books and threw away all kinds of stuff I don't even know why I kept in the first place. It took me 24 hours including 4 hours of sleep to get it all done, but I'm so happy for having done it all by myself. I had two appointments to attend to during this hectic time and I made those as well!  

Yes, I feel really good. A big check mark on my to-do list =)

Complexity

We are complex organisms, so intricate that we will never be able to fully understand ourselves. The same way, what is outside us is all connected in a very complicated manner that no one fully understands or has control over. 

Realizing this complexity makes one appreciate how many things have to go right in order for us to be where we are today, in order for the universe to be where it is today. At the same time, it only takes a small error in this complex interconnect to wipe out millions. Appreciating that makes you wonder every time we get caught up in the problems of our own lives, how small those are in comparison. 

The Real Test

Times of distress are the real test of how true a person is to their values. Everyone appears to shine under normal conditions, but how they bounce back from difficult times tells you a lot about them.

Majority of people I've come across go for short term relief instead of channeling the pain into positive and productive activities to find long term relief. You need to be strong willed and stay true to your values to follow the latter, and although the happiness that it brings may take longer to set in, but when it does, you know it will last and is situationally independent, unconditional happiness.

My Social Bond

What is this secret ingredient

That holds us all together

Newton thought it was gravity

But I feel differently

There is another force that is stronger

In its absence, even gravity fails to do its job

Once shattered, it is really hard to fix

Takes a long time to build it

And a second to break it

This force for me is trust

I give people all of it

Till they break it

And if they do, there are no second chances

Because no matter how hard I try

I can never rebuild it; the way it used to be

Feeling hopeful

I am feeling hopeful today. Its a good feeling, brings the feeling of peacefulness and content with it.

Mind is such a powerful weapon, one day it cripples you and another day makes you happy for no particular reason.

Giving up aspirations on what should happen seems a little weird, but brings peace into your life. I've started making conscious efforts on keeping my thoughts and actions contained in the present and it seems to be working well for me.

Tip of the day

Quit worrying about the future, give it your all today, so whatever happens in the future, you don't regret today. 

Uncertainty at its best

If you knew what the future holds, would you feel content and satisfied or would you fight till your last drop of blood to change it?

Uncertainty is what makes this journey fun. It is what drives the adrenalin in our blood and brings excitement into our lives.

Although in their formative ages, one could be faced with a lot of uncertainty which can be hard to handle at times, but it is important to realize that the when you are looking back from the future into the present moment, all you will remember is the efforts you made towards a better future, not the worries in your heart about what is going to happen, if when then but. Let it go, live in the present, satisfied with today, and passionately working towards tomorrow.